6 Tips On How To NOT Preach A Woman Facing Domestic Abuse

As I have already written in several places that domestic abuse is a "Tango" that doesn't always take "Two", especially if the abuser suffers from some sort of personality disorder like NPD, BPD, or has sociopathic or psychopathic traits, as confirmed by professionals in the field of Psychology and the victims of domestic abuse worldwide.

Domestic Violence can be defined as, "the violent behavior and treatment of one spouse and sometimes children on the physical, mental, emotional, psychological, sexual, or financial level", that can be directed towards any gender but is more prevalent towards women by men in society. This blog addresses man-to-woman domestic violence cases and what approach a religious preacher or mentor should have while preaching to such women victims. Read my blog to know why some men are abusive in nature. 

https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/01/whats-wrong-with-abusive-men.html.

While being in a spiritual community I have met and observed several families having domestic violence issues. I had been noticing how abusive men have been taking advantage of religious doctrine in inflicting even more abuse towards their wives and children after getting involved with spiritual communities directly at home by gaslighting their victims and indirectly running "smear campaigns" against their victims to control their social life in religious community so that they can keep shining while their victim remains a "Forever scapegoat". (A scapegoat is a person who is misunderstood and blamed for the mistakes of their abuser, by the abuser, enablers, and flying monkeys). Here is my blog about holy sinners and their agenda.https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/03/13-warning-signs-of-spiritual.html.  

This closes the door for any spiritual advancement and hope of survival for these battered wives by creating doubts and ripping off any traces of faith that were there in them before coming to spirituality(bhakti).

"Domestic abuse is indefensible, illegal in many countries, and never acceptable within the International Society for Krishna Consciousness(ISKCON) anywhere in the world. Any interpretation of Vaishnava religious or social teachings that condones endorses, or justifies domestic abuse is rejected by the Governing Body Commission (GBC)."

"Domestic and family violence (D&FV) is a major problem all over the world. It affects people of all backgrounds, including our temple communities. D&FV  has lasting effects on the victim as well as the children who witness the abuse. In most countries, D&FV is a criminal offense. The international GBC body condemns abuse of  all devotees with no exceptions."

(Governing Body Commission(GBC)Resolution March 2020.)

As it is so very much clear from the above-mentioned statements from GBC, it is very clear that Iskcon never supported abuse but the wrong preaching approach can surely enable it by validating the abuser and invalidating the victim by wrongly presenting the Vedic teaching as the wrong time and wrong place. This not only brings bad names to God, Spirituality, Iskcon, and Srila Prabhupada(and other religious and spiritual institutes wherever it is happening).

I mentioned the above information to make it very clear that any spiritual institution, religion, or scriptures are never to be blamed for such dysfunctionalities. Evil people have a very sharp split in their personalities that they possess at home and in front of outsiders as confirmed by specialists in the field of psychology and the victims worldwide. Therefore it is not possible for people outside the family to ever actually understand them.

Here are some useful tips that can actually serve preachers dealing with such women for helping them progress in their spiritual life rather while saving them from further abuse instead of guilt-tripping and invalidating them:-

1. Telling a victim suffering from the misery of severe abuse at the hands of their partner that they are suffering because of their past karmas will give them some philosophical knowledge for sure but will never help them heal their wounds from the trauma they are enduring. If the amount of effort being put into explaining the effects of karma to the sufferer is put into explaining it to the abuser then it will be more worthwhile. Spiritual belief is a totally completely personal matter. Some victims use spiritual remedies while believing in the law of karma and it has helped them when they worked on cleansing karma. While others get triggered at the mere mention of it. This blog intends to stop preachers from hurting the later ones by triggering them and forcing them to believe in it so that they also get an equal opportunity to heal from abuse and grow spiritually.
2. Expect inconsistency in the victim's spiritual performance in temple activities. Victims are being forced into doing or not doing things per the need for personal achievements and gratifications of abusers. For example, they will force her to not attend a program if they are jealous or indifferent to the organizer no matter how much important it is, and on the other hand, they may force her to attend a program not very significant but can prove to be significant to his personal gratification or some material achievement. They also control her performance out of jealousy if she happens to perform or achieve better than them.
3. Expect inconsistency in the social behavior of the victim. Their social life and everything else are probably being totally controlled by their abuser. Readhttps://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/01/8-things-narcissists-do-to-control-your.html to know how abusive people with narcissistic traits control the social lives of their victims.
4. Do not force the victim to get over the abuse from the past. Victims are so enmeshed in the mind games of abusers they need time to identify a particular behavior as "abuse" and it always takes time. As soon as it is addressed its form is changed by the abuser and then the victim again starts studying this pattern and so on. 
5. Do not tell the victim that, "It's all in their head". According to the author of the best-selling book on Trauma therapy "Body Keeps The Score" and past president of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies and former co-director of the National Child Traumatic Stress Network., Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk, trauma from abuse leaves visible and unrepairable scars on the mental and physical well-being of victims changing the way a normal mind and body functions resulting into physical illness, mental illness, and personality disorders because of changed wiring and functioning of the brain and entire nervous system.
6. Do not force the victim to "Forgive" the abuser until the abuse has completely stopped. Pretending to be strong doesn't make one strong. Even after the abuse has stopped, leave the choice to the victim whether and when they wish to forgive. Remember that "Not Forgiving" is NOT equivalent to"keeping grudges" or "planning revenge" or "cursing mentally". According to the international bestseller on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Pete Walker, forgiving superficially doesn't help in healing emotional wounds until the victim has fully felt the emotional pain and grieved the loss. By forgiving at once the victim only suppresses the traumatic feelings which get bottled up and only hinder and delays the healing on all levels. These bottled-up feelings show up in the form of other negative emotions and physiological and psychological ailments later on in life. Read my blog to understand forgiveness. https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/02/what-is-forgiveness-what-its-not.html

For some women, it is the last hope left with them after they already tried everything to make their marriage work. If we could do anything about restoring faith in them after they get abused by proxy after entering spiritual communities then it would be such a great deed. 

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