How To NOT Preach Men Involved In Domestic Violence : 8 Practical Tips Preachers Can Use For Amazing Results.
It made me sick to stomach reading a blog on a free WordPress site with just one blog, probably written by some sick person disguised as a Prabhupada follower and Iskcon devotee who probably created this website only to spew his hatred and sickness against women. Each and every word of that blog was written to poison the minds of men and society as a whole to condition them for normalizing the abuse of women and invalidating their sufferings in the hands of their male partners and society.
Society is full of sick-minded people who not just abuse other people but also manipulate and brainwash everyone else into believing how their victim deserves the punishment in the form of abuse and how innocent and miserable they are, which further causes indirect abuse.
There was another post on a spiritual group on social media yesterday criticizing people who choose to divorce in kali yuga comparing with Satya yuga people. It was hurtful to read the comments by armchair philosophers who think that every situation is tolerable.
Domestic abuse is a "Tango" that doesn't take "Two".
Domestic Violence is the violent behavior and treatment of one spouse and sometimes children on the physical, mental, emotional, psychological, sexual, or financial level that can be directed towards any gender but is more prevalent towards women by men in society. This blog addresses man-to-woman domestic violence cases and what approach a religious preacher or mentor should have while preaching such men. Read my blog to know why some men are abusive in nature.
https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/01/whats-wrong-with-abusive-men.html .
While being in a spiritual community I have met and observed several families having domestic violence issues. I kept noticing how abusive men have been taking advantage of religious doctrine in inflicting even more abuse on their wives and children after getting involved with spiritual communities.
This closes the door for any spiritual advancement of not only such men but also their battered wives by creating doubts and ripping off any traces of faith that were there in her before coming to bhakti.
Abusive men who enter bhakti, do so for material gain mostly and not for any spiritual gain to be precise. They use sheep's clothing to hide their wolf-like persona. Here is my blog that sheds light on this issue https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/03/13-warning-signs-of-spiritual.html. read it to know about holy sinners and their agenda.
Srimad Bhagavatam 3.28.32:
"A person who is respectful to women, who are gentle, liberal, and affectionate to his relatives, who can control his senses, and who does not speak nonsense or disturb others, is called a 'good-hearted man.'"
"Domestic abuse is indefensible, illegal in many countries, and never acceptable within the International Society for Krishna Consciousness(ISKCON) anywhere in the world. Any interpretation of Vaishnava religious or social teachings that condones endorses, or justifies domestic abuse is rejected by the Governing Body Commission (GBC)."
"Domestic and family violence (D&FV) is a major problem all over the world. It affects people of all backgrounds, including our temple communities. D&FV has lasting effects on the victim as well as the children who witness the abuse. In most countries, D&FV is a criminal offense. The international GBC body condemns abuse of all devotees with no exceptions."
(Governing Body Commission(GBC)Resolution March 2020.)
As you can read the above-mentioned statements from GBC, it is very clear that Iskcon never supported abuse but the wrong preaching approach can surely enable it by validating the abuser and invalidating the victim by wrongly presenting the Vedic teaching at the wrong time and wrong place. This not only brings a bad name to God, Spirituality, Iskcon, and Srila Prabhupada(and other religious and spiritual institutes wherever it is happening).
Here are some useful tips that can actually serve such men in progressing in spiritual life rather than enabling the cruel behavior of abusive men and guilt-tripping their spouse and children.
- Do not stress over that part of the scriptures that talk about weakness, inferiority,, and shortcomings of a soul being a female in the presence of such men. They will absorb it and vomit it at home to verbally and psychologically abuse their victims and will feel empowered while doing so from inside believing that their acts and feelings are being supported and endorsed by their preacher or scriptures.
- Do not put the abuser in the role of family preacher, no matter how advanced they are academically in shastras and various courses being run by the temple community. An abuser is someone who chooses to abuse. And they will employ every resource they have to inflict abuse on their victims, including Vedic knowledge. Abusive spouses involved in spirituality, quote verses from Bhagawad Gita to Gaslight( and other scriptures like the bible, koran, etc depending upon their faith as reported by victims) while arguing and having verbal fights at home. Read https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/02/20-things-narcissists-say-when-they-are.html to know about Gaslighting.
- Neither force the victim to be present at a temple or home program even if she is not sure nor stress over explaining the reason for her absence afterward. And definitely did not take the feedback on the victim's practices at home by him. You never know. A lot of times abuse victims are in the middle of intense mind games being played by their abusers, so much so that even they don't know why they are doing or not doing something. Read this link https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/01/no-you-are-not-crazy-you-are-being.html to know about the crazy-making tactics they use on their victims.
- Never let an abuser become a preacher or any other high authority person in the temple if they are abusive at home, no matter how expert and useful they are to the religious community. Spirituality will be propagated faster if the temple community has "Quality" and not "Quantity" of devotees. Yes, let that sink in. Read https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/01/14-reasons-why-narcissts-hide-in.html to know more about how mean people take advantage of innocent people from religious communities. Doing this can unconsciously pass the wrong ideas of what an ideal devotee is like because common people believe that being at an authority or high-level position in a temple or other religious community requires a great level of devotion and not some management or leadership skills that are sufficient for wooing new people into joining the community. Victim wives of such men unconsciously and unknowingly idealize codependency and lack of relationship boundaries and abusers idealize abuse and manipulation in their behavior and thought process towards spouse and children in the eyes of common innocent people.
- Do not be too quick and too rigid with the enforcement of regulative principle in the family of abusive men if they are the first in the family to join the community, and especially never through them. Abuse victims are highly codependent and have very low self-esteem. Because of excessive external control by their abuser in what they think, believe, feel and do, they are not able to identify their own needs, limitations, capabilities, boundaries, and priorities. The abusive men can push their victim's limits and use guilt to manipulate them into exploiting them at all levels in the name of regulative principles, religious rules, penance, and austerity while continuing to be indulged in the high level of sense-gratification, indulgence, and laziness even when their family severely needs their time and energy in the time of crisis like pregnancy, childbirth, and illness of their wives. Such men forcefully inculcate all rules very quickly and forcefully right from day one and expect perfection. While they themselves remain highly flexible and casual about following them in their own lives which causes friction in the family. Initially, they abuse the victims for not following every regulative principle ideally and later on( when victims become comfortable with life with those rules) for following everything so ideally. They leave no space for victims to decide what is right for them and family. It's all about their current mood and temporary agendas. They make inconsistent rules for a family depending upon what they wish to achieve by projecting onto people inside or outside the family. Hypocrisy is at its core. Read https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/01/this-is-why-they-like-your-abuser-more.html to know about abuser's mind games.
- Do not think that abuse is okay for a woman if they lag in bhakti or is not interested in the same community as their husband. Krishna, Chaitanya Mahaprabhu, and Srila Prabhupada never endorsed this concept. Nor do convey it to an abusive husband.
- Do not believe the abuser's side of the story. Abuse is not a marital issue it is a one-sided crime. If someone from outside tries to help their victims they present it as an issue that is involving issues from both sides. However, it's not true. No one in this world is entitled to abuse another human because they are not getting what THEY THINK THEY ARE ENTITLED to get from them. Click here to learn more about abusive personality disorders.https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/03/what-exactly-is-narcissistic.html. Someone may have a doubt about how to recognize if the issue is from both sides or mainly from one side. Also, it can be questioned that how one should recognize who is an abuser and who is a victim when both look good in public. Well! that's what scriptures are for. Chapter 16 of Srimad Bhagawad Gita, The Yoga Of Discrimination Between Godly And Demonic Properties, clearly describes the traits. Chapter 14, The Yoga Of Gunas is also very helpful in this matter. The preachers should pray to god to make them eligible and very very expert in recognizing people so that they can use this knowledge in customizing the preaching style and resources on an individual basis.
- Abusive men are adult children who have had adverse life experiences or traumatic childhood experiences. Abusive men need empathy too for healing and growing on the spiritual and material path, but never at the cause of causing further damage to the victims. They should be non judgementally heard and validated of their feelings by senior devotees with higher consciousness. But the preachers should be very careful that their opinions and pieces of information about the victims should be listened to only to make the abuser feel validated of their feelings of emotions and not for judging their victim or making an image of them. Read my blog https://www.theexhaustedsouls.com/2021/03/how-does-narcissistic-dysfunctional.html to understand the family dynamics that create abusive people.
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