How To Support Your Devotee Wife When You Have A Baby: Practical Tips On Striking Balance In Spiritual And Family Life For Grihastas With Little Kids!

So, finally after settling very nicely in Krishna Conscious spiritual lifestyle after a lot of efforts and hard work on your part as well as those who inspired and guided you in your journey now you have become a new parent and all of sudden your lifestyle needs some major changes in priority settings and there is a huge need for striking balance! But, you have no idea how to do it! 

And all the seniors sitting on a higher position in spiritual society are either bachelors(brahmacharis/sannyasis) or in renounced order or a childless couple who have entered grihastha ashram only for the sake of their families and are purely devoted to Krishna and have no plans of entering the community of "parents".

With such a major change in life and the addition of so many services at home towards the baby and herself, the spiritual life of your wife might seem to be crashing down in front of her eyes and which can cause deep guilt which contributing to postnatal depression causing not only severe damage to the physical and mental well being of mother and baby but also to the entire family atmosphere.

This blog intends to educate the husbands in devotional life about how they should contribute to their family and support their wife when a baby arrives while continuing their essential spiritual practices.

 

Why written for husbands and not directly for wives? Well! If men could understand how severely the support(physical, emotional, and intellectual) of husbands(and other family members) is essential during postpartum, then this could help women survive the postpartum stage and fight postpartum depression with so much ease.

Husbands need to understand and validate the physical and mental condition of their wives at this stage. Carrying a baby for nine months with so many changes, illness, physiological problems, sleep problems, mood swings because of hormones and physical problems, reduced efficiency as mother, wife, and devotee, fatigue, nausea and other gastric troubles like constant heart burns for hours, digestive issues, and so on is not easy. Just try to think of the day when you had really bad digestive issues, vomiting or stomach ache or gas, or any other gastric issue. She had all that for almost nine months every day. Now that stage is over but the problems are not gone yet. Now she has a baby that just came out either tearing her or getting her body incised. Just try to remember the last time you got wounded. Her body has an unimaginably highly exaggerated version of the physical trauma you went through. Look up the internet to find the extent of trauma women go through when they deliver a baby. 

Not only this, after so much physical and mental trauma, they can't even get a good night's sleep because babies need them every half an hour or sometimes even less during the early stage for feeding or clean up. Just try to remember the last time you were extremely tired and exhausted during an illness and how much you wanted a good night's sleep and how much frustrated/angry/helpless you would have felt if you couldn't get that good sleep. Now compare the situation with her, she has a much-exaggerated version of exhaustion and illness and the need to get that good night's sleep but she can't get that too because the baby needs her every few minutes. Just imagine the extent of the unbearable pain a woman has to go through after delivering the baby. Now, on top of this sometimes the husband and family are not there to support physically or mentally or both, in that case, women become so traumatized that they may become suicidal.

With proper support from husband and family, a woman can easily thrive and drift through this difficult time and the sweet memories of early motherhood are the only ones that will remain in her mind forgetting all the pain and sufferings. You must be a kind and loving husband if you searched for this article and are eager to know how can you make things better for your devotee wife in this stage of her life.

Taking care of the child and mother at this stage should be the priority for everyone in the family but I insist to carry on with some spiritual practices for the new mom as it can help her with managing her stress and protecting her overall mental well-being. But how can we make it possible without causing her more trauma? 

These are some tips extremely helpful to new parents especially in NUCLEAR families:-

1. Do not ever make her guilty for whatever she is unable to do that she used to do previously. Understand that services have not reduced, but only their form has changed. 
2. Change your lifestyle for the time being. Remember not to panic, whatever is happening is happening, for the time being, the routine will keep changing with the growth of the baby every 2-3 months. Babies don't remain! Nor do toddlers and kids. Be patient with the changes in a family atmosphere and responsibilities and you will cherish these memories later on.
   
3. Ensure that either you or some other family member is attentively there to take care of the baby when all that baby needs is a diaper change that can be done by anyone while your wife can take undisturbed sleep at night.
4. If you have services at the temple, make sure you leave someone empathetic and helpful with your wife who will take care of her in your absence otherwise delegate or exchange those temple services that someone else can do on your behalf.
5. Do not curse the arrival of your baby for your inability to serve the temple. You can focus more on your sadhana and services towards home deities to boost your level of sadhana, self-esteem, and confidence, instead of regret for not being able to go to the temple every day.
6. Do not take parenting tips from anyone who lacks empathy or is immature or not mindful while giving suggestions.
7. Stop extra spiritual services that you two used to do before the baby while understanding that this is for time being and the services have not gone but have only changed their form.
8. Never think or discuss like your baby or wife is a burden on you and is disturbing your spiritual life. Nor let your wife think like that by your gesture or overhearing you talking to other devotees.
9. Do not feel obliged to attend or make your wife attend any program or temple if your wife is not comfortable. This is just a pause, not a full stop. Refrain from saying that she has "stopped" services or temple visits etc. Be mindful of what is happening in your lives. Be respectful and validate her comfort and discomfort in various circumstances.
10. Refrain from discussions that involve guilt-tripping her, like quoting something from lectures or scriptures that suggest how fallen someone is when they choose to not attend a devotee association and rather choose to sleep. Maybe she is denying to go because she didn't get enough sleep last night or maybe she has aches and pains. You never know. When over-stressed sometimes even she won't know why she is saying "no" to the requests. Have her back in this most difficult time of her life instead of tearing her down.
11. Focus on how beautiful the child is that she has given you rather than how she is not looking beautiful these days. This time will pass. Every woman wants to look beautiful. Be thankful to her that taking care of your child is her priority right now and this will pay both of you later on.
12. Give focussed attention to your baby and other kids when she has recovered and feels like doing sadhana. She won't be able to focus on mantras if she feels guilty about seeing her kids in pain with you being carelessly involved in them. 
13. Be nice to your other kids. It's okay if they get only A and not A++ like last time. Remember that this time will pass and everything will be like before. Never make your wife feel guilty for her reduced capabilities as a mother of other children.
14. Use Time Management Matrix to manage your time.
    
    
    
    (Image source: tameday.com)
    This matrix was popularised by  Stephen R. Covey. Make a list of all the tasks you need in a day and designate each task into a matrix out of four. Let go of the urge to do everything you used to do previously. The tasks that go to the last matrix can be ignored completely. The tasks in the first matrix-like providing food and medical facility to your wife need your immediate attention. The second and third matrix tasks will need your brainstorming with intelligence and empathy to work out things in a balanced way.
15. Read her Bhagwatam or any other scriptures whenever she craves temple lectures.
16. With the help of other family members do keertan when she wishes to hear one, at an appropriate time, that, of course, doesn't disturb their sleep(mother's and baby's).
17. Do not make her feel guilty for not being able to provide you home-cooked hot offered prasaadam like she used to do previously if there is a non-devotee house help doing the cooking for the time being. You can always take this wonderful service in your hands if you feel like it is not affordable for your family's spiritual growth to eat unaffordable food cooked by non-devotee even for few months. 
    
18. Let her wear comfortable clothes. It doesn't matter if a devotee is not wearing Vaishnava clothes when completely confined to the bedroom. Refrain from judging her changed lifestyle choices not just for the time being but always. Do not think in catastrophizing way. And do not discuss things with people who make you think in that way about your wife or her spiritual life. A dress doesn't ALWAYS decide someone's spiritual level. 
19. Provide her with food, medicine, and water on time, even when you want to take a rest. Her physical care is very important for her speedy recovery.
20. Provide her with a quiet bedroom especially at night. A night of good sleep can do wonders in her healing. Do not force her to spend time with you. If you love her, let her sleep.
21. Do not force her to attend all calls and visitors. Let her decide.

As soon as time passes, the baby will grow and become more capable, and your wife will also heal physically and mentally. The more time passes the less will be the need for your involvement in the care of the baby and mother. The patience, empathy, intelligence, and sympathy that you show towards your wife and kids for the first1-2 years of your baby's growth can cause wonders to your wife's mental well being, physical well being, your relationship with her, her trust in you, and your future life with you, relationship with kids, the image inside the family and your self-esteem.

One must not run from his duties towards family members, especially in medical emergencies if they have already entered the Grihastha Ashram. Mimicking a brahmachari or sanyasi when your family needs your help, and doing all kinds of sense enjoyments using your family when you feel like is neither the characteristics of a grihastha nor a brahmachari/sanyasi. This is pure "Mental Speculation" of Vedic teachings derived from the desire to sense enjoyment without taking responsibility for their consequences.

This blog has been written to keep in mind how some couples get lost in the clouds of guilt, shame, self-blame, and confusion when they cannot carry on with services and sadhna after having a baby like they used to do previously. There aren't many resources available that talk directly on this topic so an effort has been made to help such couples and especially some rigid and high on philosophy husbands who happen to become an active source of trauma to their wives by being unempathetic, irrational and judgemental because of philosophical highjacking of their intelligence. 

This blog can be helpful for non-devotee families also as it has general tips for men that they must follow for helping their women deal with this traumatic and challenging period of their life.

An Indian saying goes like this," A woman’s loyalty is tested when the husband gets poor; A man’s loyalty is tested when the wife gets sick". Pass this testing time and she will be grateful for life.

Please share your opinions and tips concerning this blog. Share this blog with new devotee fathers to help the struggling devotee moms.

Hare Krishna

YS

Asht Sakhi Vrind Devi Dasi

Note:-Special thanks to Bhakt Vikas Singh and Bhaktin Pushpa Singh for allowing me to use their pics for this blog. They are wonderful devotees of Lord Krishna who are very sincerely progressing on a spiritual path while carrying out their prescribed duties in a balanced way not just in these pics but also in real life.

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